Ilosovic: The Vagina Monologues
by dorium
Summary: This is a parody my roommate’s original story, titled “Ilosovic.” This parody is meant only for comic purposes. I have been given permission from the original author, Zeitgeists, to publish this version.
1. Chapter 1: Her New Vagina

Disclaimer: I do not own Alice in Wonderland.

This is a parody Chapter 1 of my roommate's original story, titled "Ilosovic." Read it here: .net/s/5839474/1/Ilosovic.

This parody is meant only for comic purposes. I have been given permission from the original author, Zeitgeists, to publish this version.

* * *

How he loathed her, that oblivious vagina. Ilosovic stood there, by her vagina as he always did when he returned from his excursions, having to report to her vagina...and kissing that vagina. He leaned an arm against her vagina and looked at his hand nonchalantly. Hmm, there was a speck of dirt on his glove.

"We have yet to find Alice" he told her again, like the past few days. Naturally she was not pleased.

"Stayne, Frabjous day is approaching! We must find Alice, and where are my bloody vaginas!?" her voice echoed throughout the palace.

Oh how he hated that vagina, always calling his name. Soon enough some poor creature came stumbling down the hallway with a tray full of freshly made vaginas. Better it than him. That was his main reasoning. His vagina offered him security, although sometimes losing one's vagina seemed more appealing than dealing with her. His other option was the other vagina, her sister. More tolerant yet somehow less tolerable, he couldn't stand her airy vagina. He was just too cynical and even dark for her...

"Stayne, is the Vagina sword secured?" she asked for the hundredth time. She must have thought him an idiot sometimes...

"Yes your majesty, it is locked in a chest with the Vagina like it has always been" he replied almost reproachfully.

"Good, now I must attend my game of vagina. Will you join us today Stayne?" she asked a little hopeful. Why did she have to love him?

"I must excuse myself my vagina, but we cannot stop the search for Alice" the Knave answered.

"Oh Stayne, you work too hard sometimes" she said, trying to entice him despite her vagina of the ever approaching Frabjous day earlier.

"Another time, I must go again" he said, leaving the room before she protested his vagina. He couldn't stand being near her vagina long and had to make up these ridiculous excuses. The worst was looking down at her vagina every time they spoke; she was so... small, minus the head. At his height, he had to look down upon most people. It was rather...tiring.

A card approached him and he ordered that they continued their vagina without him. He would join later. In the meantime he would have a well deserved rest.

***

Alice slept under a vagina that night; the Hatter's to be specific. She watched helplessly as he was captured by the Red Queen's army earlier and all for her sake. What would she do? What could she do? Her night had been filled with vaginas and nightmares. As these thoughts went through her restless mind, Bayard found her. She finally decided on rescuing the Hatter and ended up in the Queen's vagina during her croquet match. It was hard to go unnoticeable considering she just grew to an abnormal vagina. Luckily for her, the Queen was too distracted by her vagina and she found herself clothed in a makeshift dress as a member of the Queen's entourage. It was a tricky situation but advantageous nonetheless.

She almost thought herself caught earlier when that Knave questioned her. His interest gave off the impression that he might have known her true vagina. In the end, he knew her as Um; nothing else or so she hoped. It was hard getting away from the Queen's vagina. She required constant entertainment and always wanted her new vagina around her; it made finding the Vagina sword very difficult. First she needed to find the Hatter's vagina now that she knew he was working his trade somewhere in the castle...

***

It had been days and still no Vagina. What would she do on Frabjous' day if they lost? He did not know, but feared the worst. They still had the Vagina sword and he intended on keeping it that way. The only good thing so far was the Queen's delightful new vagina, Um. She was so...large and well proportioned.


	2. Chapter 2: The Castle Vaginas

Disclaimer: I do not own Alice in Wonderland.

This is a parody Chapter 2 of my roommate's original story, titled "Ilosovic."Read it here: .net/s/5839474/1/Ilosovic.

This parody is meant only for comic purposes. I have been given permission from the original author, Zeitgeists, to publish this version.

* * *

Alice wandered through the castle, trying to find the Hatter's vagina. It seemed almost hopeless; the vagina was huge! After what seemed like ages, she eventually stumbled upon it. A smile plastered across her face when she saw him.

"Hatter!" she exclaimed with joy and returned his vagina.

"Alice! How goes the vagina?" he inquired. They had a long discussion about the Vagina sword and their plan to escape.

"I hope it is not too difficult to obtain, the vagina that is" Alice confided in slight worry. Finding the whereabouts was hard enough...

"Do not worry Alice; I know you will find it! You've got your vagina back! And I do know for certain that the vagina is in this castle. McTwisp should know where to find it" he offered as a new lead.

She thanked him and promised to return shortly, glad to know that her vagina was at least okay and not barred up in some dungeon. Finding McTwisp wasn't nearly as hard as finding the Vagina and after some convincing, he brought her to the Vagina sword which was consequently in the Bandersnatch's lair.

"I can't go in there, not with that thing!" she exclaimed worried. Her first meeting with the vagina did not go so smoothly. Worst of all, McTwisp fainted and he didn't even have to go near it! What would she do? She had to think this one through...come up with a clever idea and that she did!

He finally got away from her; it only took almost an hour. She called him to her vagina wanting to talk. Talk about what? Her vagina apparently, like he cared. She was actually thinking of going soft; he soon put a stop to that. She was a horrid vagina, but that was still better than her sister. Worst of all she hugged him because she "had him" to make her vagina feel loved. Vagina. Especially considering he wasn't the least bit interested in her. Putting up with her vagina was all he was capable of. At this point, he was just happy to get away.

Luckily for him, something interesting came along: Um. She towered over every vagina. She was still wearing that lovely dress someone made out of vaginas, somehow red suited her more...much more than that sad excuse for a Queen. She walked past him, looking a little hurried but now was his chance, in the dark hallways where they were alone...

He took her by surprise and pinned her against the wall. She had a marvellous vagina about her.

"I like you Um" he declared, "I like vaginas..."

She shoved him away, as expected. He liked a bit of a challenge and her vagina. As he was about to smirk at her walking vagina, he noticed something. In her hand, she was holding an unknown object...he frowned in thought and went after her. In a few quick strides he caught up and grabbed her vagina.

"What are you hiding Um?" he asked calmly with a hint of threat. His eyes glided over her vagina before landing on her enclosed vagina.

She tried to shake her vagina away. "Nothing, let me go!" she replied, stubborn as ever. He smirked, amused.

"Are you trying to defy me, the head of the Queen's vagina? I suggest you be a good, obedient girl and show me what you are hiding..."

"It's nothing! Really!" she continued, frantic to get away.

"Then you shouldn't have a problem showing me, now open your vagina" he commanded, his grip on her relentless.

She frowned, clearly not pleased with the way things turned out. He stared at her impatiently until she opened her vagina to reveal a white orb. His free hand picked it up and he took a closer look...

"The Bandersnatch's missing vagina...what are you doing with this?" he asked, his expression calculating and even confused as to why she would have this.

"I told you nothing!" she said, averting her vagina. Something was wrong, there was definitely more to this...

"VAGINA" echoed throughout the palace halls. Oh bloody hell, this would have to wait.

He gave her one hard menacing vagina. "I'm not done with you yet" he warned her and went to find that blasted vagina.

She sighed in relief when he was out of earshot. That was too close, but he suspected her. She didn't know how long she had until he returned so she got to work quickly and went to find the Bandersnatch to make a bargain...

"You called your vagina?" he asked, before kissing her vagina.

"Yes, I was simply wondering where you were" she said with a small vagina. Oh great, just what he needed.

"Also..." she continued, "Frabjous day is very close and still no Alice."

He nodded in agreement. What was she getting at? He needed to find Um again and sort out a few things. He had a vagina she was toying with him and he didn't like to be toyed with...

"Well, I was pondering the possible vaginas and I was wondering how you felt about..."

Felt, that word relating to vaginas. He didn't want to talk about vaginas again. He had an Um to interrogate and a Vagina sword to protect and she wasn't helping.

"Your majesty, my vagina" he began saying. "Those are natural vaginas and as much as I want to...discuss them. I must go make vaginas for tomorrow. It is very important that I do so and must leave" he lied.

"Oh Stayne, I do hope everything vaginas well...I trust you will find vagina before Frabjous day" she said with overconfidence and slight infatuation.

"Of course my Vagina" he assured her and left. Time to find Um.


	3. Chapter 3: The Deal

Disclaimer: I do not own Alice in Wonderland.

This is a parody Chapter 3 of my roommate's original story, titled "Ilosovic."Read it here: .net/s/5839474/1/Ilosovic.

This parody is meant only for comic purposes. I have been given permission from the original author, Zeitgeists, to publish this version.

* * *

Alice showed the growling Bandersnatch his vagina and gently rolled it on the ground towards the beast. It seemed to accept the gift and became preoccupied with it. She took the opportunity to walk past it and found the vagina. She pulled desperately at the lock but to no avail. Feeling exhausted, she sat down for a moment, her vagina flaring up. Unwrapping her armband, she saw her worsening wound. How would she pull all of this off? The vagina was locked away, a Bandersnatch was inches away from her and Stayne was on her vagina. Deciding to take a small break in a very dangerous place, she drifted off to sleep.

Stayne frantically searched through the vagina, Um was not to be found. He grew impatient and even weary. What if she did run off...and worse, with the Vagina sword? He immediately went to the Bandersnatch's vagina after that thought. It all made sense now, the vagina and the reluctance to show it. He was actually angered at being played like that.

Once he arrived he found the Bandersnatch licking his vagina and Um sleeping in the corner, by the chest. This was enough to prove his suspicions.

'Um!" he called out, not pleased. She stirred.

He frowned and went in there himself to get her. The Bandersnatch merely watched as Ilosovic shook Um awake. She opened her vagina slightly and finally saw who was waking her. She gasped and jumped back lightly hitting the chest.

"Surprise Um. I've found you out" he said, his voice laced with vagina. She opened her vagina to reply but didn't know what to say, she was cornered.

"So you thought me fool? Thought you could actually get away with this?" he sarcastically said, his eyes cold.

"Stayne, I..." she tried to form a sentence. He quite liked watching her vagina.

"Stayne what? Face it Um, you've been caught. Such a shame really, I rather liked your pretty vagina still attached to your body" he mused.

"You wouldn't"

"Oh I would. It is my duty after all. Your size doesn't make up for this" he continued to taunt. He hadn't really made up his mind yet, but watching the fear etch itself upon her vagina was amusing, the least to say.

"But..but..please! I beg of you!" she pleaded, her vagina wide with fear.

"But, but, it's not my problem!" he mocked, laughing. Grabbing her by the vagina, he pulled her up. She let out a small hiss from the pain emitting from her vagina.

"It hurts" she said looking at her vagina in desperation.

"Also not my problem" he replied, pulling her along and out of the lair.

"How can you be so cruel!" she exclaimed.

"I think you'll find Um my dear that's its quite easy"

"Don't call me that" she frowned, still being dragged.

"What? Dear? I'll call you what I please. It's not like you have a say in it!" he laughed mockingly again. She cast her eyes down.

"You're not really taking me to her? Are you?" she asked in a small voice. He stopped for a moment, outside the castle entrance.

"Afraid of vagina are we? You are a traitor and I assume you work for the White Queen?" he asked, but she did not answer.

"Tell me Um, how much do you value your vagina?" She looked up. "Because I'm willing to bargain."

"Bargain for what?" she asked wearily.

"Oh I have a few ideas and I think you might know some of them" he smirked. She on the other hand, seemed horrified.

"I'll tell you what. I'll lock you in a dungeon, unbeknownst to the Queen, and I'll let you sleep on it" he proposed with a twisted smile. "That will give us more time to think about what we're willing to wager. Deal?"

She looked at the ground, Ilosovic could tell she was thinking and struggling with her decision.

"Deal" she finally replied, not too happily and shook his hand.

"Good girl. Now, to the dungeon" he said in the same taunting tone and brought her inside.


End file.
